The Social Network

Ahhhhh Facebook. I joined you when I was single and you led me to my soulmate. Would we have connected otherwise? Maybe. (soulmate says yes) Did you make it exceptionally easy? Yes, yes you did. So in effect, thank you Mark Zuckerberg for my happiness. How weird is that?


I hope by now you've all seen the Facebook movie. If you haven't, you should. Not that it's all factual and true, historical fiction if you will. But it is good. Great writing and incredible delivery of such lines. The opening scene between 'Mark' and the girl who's about to break up with him took 72 takes. Now that was some fast smart talking. Prolly understood 43% of it.



Erica Albright: You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.

A little while back, in what could be described as a dream like state, I had this incredible moment of FB clarity. In what felt like a millisecond, I was able to break down the psychology, if you will, about Facebook and the people who 'use' it.

First watch this. It's funny.



Disclaimer: I do predict that this non professional psychological breakdown will be nowhere close to how riveting i thought it was at the time that i came to all these incredible conclusions.

Here goes:

There are the people who have an account but don't really care and rarely check it. YOU people will have 3-4 birthday posts. You get what you give. (unless you have REALLY nice and caring FB friends).

There are the FB ghosts/voyeurs. You're there but we never see you or hear from you and your profile picture has been the same since you joined. But you are always on. Always looking at people's pictures and conversations. You are the creepy Facebook people. And I think you are very selfish. You take and take and never give anything- not an awkward status, not a picture of your dog. Nothing. And we forget about you creeping which makes it even more creepy.

There are people who are mildly active. Maybe a status update here and there, maybe a comment on a picture. You're ok by me.


Then there are the VERY active people who are VERY UNfunny with their lame-o status updates or who post things allllll the time that you never care about. The people who put constant updates about their kids not sleeping or not peeing in the right place fall into this category as well. People- this is Facebook. Not complain about my life- book. If you want compassion, join an online forum and complain your heads off. You're very depressing and I don't think FB is the appropriate platform for you.

There are the people who have conversations with their friends (like actual real friends not fb friends. VERY different) galore on their walls. The same people make plans on their walls. And the people they're 'talking' to are people they could text, bbm, email or god forbid call in order to make the plan. I'll admit sometimes I'm guilty of this one. I don't have a huge problem with THAT person, just think it's curious.

In the same category- couples who make plans on each other's walls:

'Are you coming home after work?'
'Yes, see you at 5:30.'

'Sweetie, can you turn the light off in the kitchen?'
'Sure.'

Weird.

I suppose there are different reasons to use FB. Showing people who you're friends with and what you're doing with your life is high on the list. When someone puts up an album of a trip they recently took, with 207 pictures in it, they want you to look at what they've been up to. And when you see that person and you say something about their latest trip to Costa Rica and how gorgeous the resort was, please don't act all pretend embarrassed. YOU PUT UP THE PICS FOR PEOPLE TO SEE. And likely a solo bikini shot was in there too. Oych. The lack of self awareness killls me.
There are the people who use it for promoting their companies or blogs. I think they're ok. :) The bombardment can be a bit much. But luckily you can hide those people from your news feed if you so desire.

FB birthday love is amazing. It's like you've time warped back to elementary school and everyone knows it's your bday and everyone wishes you well. Sweeeeeet.


There is another very peculiar FB type situation has happened to me and I hope to others. There are some people who I'm very close with on FB. We write on each other's walls and we are very complimentary towards each other. But we've never met. Never spoken one word in person face to face. How odd is that? And not someone I knew from elementary school. I even once ran into my super close FB friend and kinda hid because I thought our first face to face would be awkward. Peering over my shoulder one evening and looking at my fb wall, my man once asked me- hey, how do you know Daniel Murphy (not his real name)? Yeahhhhhhhhhh, how do i possibly explain THAT one?!?!?!?

There are the people who have babies and post pictures of themselves miliseconds after giving birth and I think to myself: self, would i want pictures uploaded to Facebook with my glasses on, obviously no make up, hair in a high pony with some kind of stretchy hair band thing, sweaty cuz i just pushed a baby out of my hooch put onto Facebook for my 500+ 'friends' to see- NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if the new mother doesn't post the pics and the new father does- just as bad cuz the mom knows and for some CRAZY REASON IS OK WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!! (You know she knows, because the pics are never taken down).

Deeeeeeep breath. Feel better now.

There are the people that are funny and don't abuse the system. Like when they get an inspiration to write a status update, it travels through a filtering process and then either dies or makes it. And often it's a good one.


The 'check-in' feature is interesting. If you're deranged and want to stalk someone, then it's grrrrreat. I use it to promote places I love. But I can see how it could be a bit creepy.

Fb gives you the chance to put yourself out there. Whomever you choose to be. I hope we all know that most of it is smoke and mirrors. We know you're not THAT happy. I mean, come on. But it is in your own control to put out there what you want. And then the people will judge you. It's quite simple really. So if someone judges you to be a party animal it's likely because you've put up multiple albums of yourself and your friends boozing it up! And if people are dumb enough to think that's what you do 24/7, then there's really no hope for them, is there.

Peace owwwwwwwt.

Hollyweird

I know this post is a little late but I'm not functioning on the 'normal' calendar. Had to PVR the Golden Globes this year as opposed to hosting (or attending) a petite soiree. Shit happens. Life happens. I'm going to be ok. So I watched it the other night. And was able to fast forward commercials and things I didn't need/want to see. Brilliant. I just don't know what you're doing if you don't have a PVR. I know I've said it before, but this invention has single handedly made my life soooooooooo much easier. I suppose if you're not into TV too much, you don't care. And that's ok.

I enjoy celebrity. I enjoy judging. Therefore I enjoy award shows. And the Globes are my favourite. Everyone is loose, boozed up and having fun.

I usually have seen all the films by now so I can act like a professional and agree or disagree vehemently with the winners and/or losers. As I previously mentioned, 2011 hasn't started off 'normally', so my routine is off. And that's ok.

Ricky Gervais. Well, as the creator/writer of The Office, we know I'm into him. He's a riot. Really. If you don't like his humour then we prolly shouldn't be friends.

Once he started, everyone in that room was scared. And they should have been.



I think this year was epic. Not specifically the films, but more so the attendees. I mean the collection of talent in that room was beyond. Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Angie & Brad, Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Steven Spielberg, Aaron Sorkin, Helen Mirren, Robert Downy Jr., James Franco, Halle Berry, Jeremy Irons, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Julainne Moore, Annette Benning, Geoffrey Rush, Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks, etc etc etc.....

Holy crap. Thass a lot of money, beauty and talent all in one room. Noticeably absent- my main man Leo, Kate Winslet, Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, Gwynnie... but they can't all be there every year.

And onto the most important part of the night- the fashion. In general I thought it sucked. These people can call ANY DESIGNER THEY WANT AND GET A DRESS. What perturbes me the most is the access they have to look INCREDIBLE BECAUSE THEY CAN CALL ANY FREAKIN DESIGNER THEY WANT AND THEY STILL MANAGE TO F*CK IT UP! I just don't get it. Guess no matter how talented you are or how much money you have, you just can't buy style. ACTUALLY YOU CAN!!!!! HIRE A STYLIST!!!!!!! WTF!!??!!??!!??!

In general, I wasn't impressed. Even the good could have been great.

On commence:

You are the sexiest woman alive. You are Scarlett Johansson. Your hair is the color of piss and your dress is pretty. Matronly in my opinion. Cut those sleeves off and we have something! She is sex and could and should look so much better.



Your voice is amazing. Your style, not. What is that X-Tina??? I'm not saying Ms. Dirty has ever been an icon, in fact she's cheeseball central but this is just so so bad. Burlesque was nominated!?!?!? What. Is. Going. On. 37% on the Tomatometer fyi.


They said she rocked it. I disagree. And I'm not mentioning who designed all these frocks because I don't think one should be influenced by the name. You like it or you don't and the below is whatever. You are Angelina Jolie. Booooooooooring. Would it kill you to crack a smile? We all know you're Mother Teresa but come on! Brad, a bevy of kids, some money in the bank...I know, life sucks Angie.


Long sleeves seem to be a trend. Some didn't like the below, but I did. A lot.


Natalie. Natalie! I know you're all in love and preggers by your choreographer/co-star, (who woulda thought you'd end up a cliché, praying you don't end up a statistic) but why oh why does that mean that you have to choose to wear this? Who told you to wear this?!


You can do it! See? Stunning!


Smile, Sandra! Yeah, you had a rough year, but at least you lost 230 pounds of douchewad. Love this dress. But attitude is important too. I realize you knew at this moment about douchewad's announcement, but we didn't. Act!


Cheeseball. What is she wearing??? She's so gorgeous it hurts. But what is going on here. I am a fan of the matching cuffs and her glowing skin color. Maybe she forgot to put the top on the dress. Left in a hurry maybe. I dunno. So disappointing.


Hi implants. How are you?


I'm not even impressed with Mila. She is so stunning but has a history of choosing meh gowns. I don't get it. It's not offensive, the green is nice with her coloring, but it's just ok. Not amazing like it should be. I know I'm being harsh but I expect fabulosity. This dress reminds me of my sister's emerald green taffeta grad dress. All Mila is missing are the long white gloves.


Nominated. I just can't. The Hollywood Foreign Press needs to take a loooooooong look at themselves. The cheesiest of the cheese. I must avert my eyes.


No words.
And she knows better.


HBC is obviously screwing with us at this point. She rocks.


There are more. Unfortunately, many more. The Oscars are in about a month.

Y'all better bring it.

High Maintenance

I believe in karma and that everything happens for a reason. All you liars, cheaters and bad people out there will get your own one day. I have no doubt. I also believe in doing good. Sounds simple and it is. It doesn't take long to make someone feel good or to remember to mention something that's important to them. When things haven't gone well, and I feel completely wronged, I might be that person who writes a strongly worded letter to share my feelings. If it's important enough or if the situation made me livid.

More often than not, I am one of those people who actually writes POSITIVE strongly worded letters, nowadays- emails. Or if someone has serviced me well, I will most definitely let their manager know. Why the hell not. I once wrote a very positive email to the folks at Spray'nWash because I was just so gosh darn thrilled with their product. I received a letter in the mail with some coupons! True story.

Then I started thinking about the people in my life who service me regularly. Hair, body, nails... and realized I have a team! Think we all do whether we think about it or not. Having a team isn't just for celebrities, it's for me and you too! Maybe our teams don't come to us all the time, nor do they join us when we go 'on the road', but they are here waiting for us to call.

So, I thought this entry would be about my team and my love and devotion to them. A shout out can't hurt right?

Starting from the top. Of my person that is:

Hair-

Color: Dimitra at Colorbox. The color is almost as good as the tight hug I get everytime I go in. This Greek goddess might know more about me than my betrothed. I've certainly been seeing her for way longer. I believe it's been over 10 years . If you need a new colorist/confidante, trust me and everyone else I know who goes to Dimitra.


2 girls, 1 colorist. (DG, I love you and I know you are going to murder me for putting this pic here.)

Cut: So I'm what one might refer to as a salon slut. Or I was. I was committed to Michel at Jadige from the ages of 8-12 and then started moving around. Been to everyone. Wasn't enamored with anyone. Would see a great cut, ask that person who cut their hair (could have been a random stranger) and then go to that stylist. Not the best recipe for success. Then Kim came along. Not only did we connect on a personal level, but I think my hair loved her too. She's my go to for a cut as well as for a blowdry. She is one cool cat and I'm hoping to go for drinks with her soon (TG you can come too). She's just that kind of person. And she'll be servicing me and my fam come wedding day of course, wouldn't have it any other way. Kim Doucet- now at Avanti.

Lately, I've been getting compliments on my hair. Now the cut belongs to Kim, but I found this incredible product that I can finally use, and use well. I've tried curling irons and have never been able to use them properly. The end of the curls always looked wonky. You know what I mean. Then one day, I was in Deco Decouverte and I saw this product. I thought, what the hell, I'll buy another gimmicky hair thing that won't work. But it does. There's no clamp so there's no wonk. It took a little bit of time to figure it out and multiple burns later, voila! Great curls. Do it. Trust me. Conair Infiniti.


Pretty good non? Not saying I look awesome, look at me, I'm so great blah blah blah. The curls, they are good. That's it, that's all.

Eyes: I used to get my contact lenses from my optometrist. For years and years I did this. Then one day my fingers led me to google 'contact lenses'. Clearlycontacts.ca people! They had my brand (they have many many many), they are Canadian, once ordered I receive them within 2 days, and the price is insanely low!!!!!!! Check it out.

Body: When I'm lucky enough to get a massage, Tanya at Spa Evita gets my vote. I'm not sure what else to say other than that she's incredible. If there are any boys reading this, getting your wife/girlfriend a gift certificate for a massage is the only gift we want. Don't think. Just do. I can assure you they deserve it, and I can imagine you will reap the benefits too.

Body: Shirin at Matis Spa on Crescent is responsible for my hair removal. I used to wax, now I laser. Initially, it was not painful at all. Swear. Then it started to hurt a bit more but obviously there has to be some pain involved in shocking the hell out of your hair root so they're too scared to ever come back. Shirin rocks.

Nails: 9/10 manicurists agree that I have the worst nails in North America. A regular mani lasts 2 days max. They're weak, thin, and they split. Acrylic and I had our day. But seeing as the stripper french acrylic mani went out with matching your purse to your shoes, I moved on. They look fake people. You should move on too. (Except my mommy. Her nails don't look fake. Swear. But just her.) I tried gel. OPI makes a gel product that offers many many colors, it's less harmful than acrylic and I was psyched. Day 2 of gel mani and my thumb nail popped right off. And THEN, Shellac appeared. Similar to gel, but not gel, Shellac and I became tight. While the Shellac mani might not last as long as it does on other people who do it, it lasts for almost 2 weeks, which for me is INCREDIBLE. I go to Mo (514.904.0378) who is located across from the TMR shopping center. I've been Shellacked by others, but Mo makes it last the longest. Do it.


Then I have my stylist, my personal assistant and my psychic. Right. Some things you just keep to yourself.

So I thought I'd shout it out to the ladies who regularly hook me up.

I have a team! I really do. And you gals are the best.

xo

Joe's

Just hearing the name gets my salivary glands going. If you don't visit south Florida, it's possible you've never been. Yes, there's one in Vegas, and Chicago, but not really, and you south Florida Joe's go-ers know what I mean.



December at Joe's is something special. For maniacs really. Or serious foodies. For people who know, the wait is RIDICULOUS, but they go anyway. Since 1913, I can imagine it's become a family tradition for many many families. It certainly has for this one. A trip down south just isn't complete without going. So families go. And wait. And wait. And wait. If you haven't been, I suppose you're wondering if it's worth it. IT IS.

You should know that I am a very strong proponent of never waiting in line for food. Waiting to give someone your money? Insane. Waiting at Beautys pains me. I won't do it often. "5 minutes, everyone's welcome", says Hymie. Welcome maybe, 5 minutes, bullshit. But for some reason, people do it at Joe's. For us, it's likely the only restaurant we'd wait, longer than half an hour, to be seated.

Now a few years ago, something incredible happened at Joe's. Eddie, the master host, wearing a tux, a deep tan and a serious pinky ring, surprisingly responded to my FMIL (future mother in law) as 'babe' and 'Rho', a nickname mostly used by close friends and family. As she indicated we were 8 people, he said, "No problem Rho, your table will be ready soon". And lo and behold, within 20 minutes we sat down. This my friends was divine intervention. He thought he knew her. Or did he from the family's years of commitment to Joe's? Who knows and who cares. And would it work again? Yes it would. And again and again.

The 2010 Joe's visit began as usual. Lovely drive to South Beach, the excitement building as to the awesomeness that would soon be in our mouths. We pull up and as usual, there are about, no joke, 300 ish people waiting to be seated. Valet telling all it's about a 3 hour wait. 3 hours!!!!! And people wait!!!!! But we have a little secret don't we.

Rho goes to see Eddie. We go to the bar, almost euphoric imagining the stone crabs, chopped salad and ridiculous sides we are about to ingest.

Rho returns. Took her 5 minutes to get through all the people to even get to Eddie. She breaks the news, "Guys, the Virginia Tech football team is here. Might be a while. Eddie feels terrible but he'll see what he can do." Oooooof. We all felt like we got punched in the stomach.

We go to the waiting area/bar. Another ingenious part of this money making establishment. What else are you going to do while you wait? Thass right. Drink and have some apps! So we did.

Beginning of wait... still happy....and buzzed...



The table next to us in this waiting zone (see below), at this point, had been there since 6:30. It was 9:00.


I know many of you are thinking that people must be totally insane to wait so long for food. And I would agree. But, you know what you're in for at Joe's at least. I'd never be in for a 3 and a half hour wait anywhere. But then it turns into: well we've been here for an hour and a half, we can't leave now, maybe they'll call our name next... Patience leads to denial which obviously leads to extreme and violent hunger. The drinks, crabcakes and shrimp cocktail help ease the pain.

Desperation sets in. (It's only been 25 minutes). Hashem can you hear me? Please call our name next! Please!


So the pre-meal bill isn't small and I'm praying that we don't get called before this table of 8 who have been waiting for 3 hours now. Just wouldn't be right.

I wish I could say that we as a family are superhuman, or that the love Eddie has for Rho is out of this world and that we sat relatively quickly as we usually do. Alas, I cannot. But, we did not wait 3 hours, and the drinks and apps certainly helped pass the time. And that family did get called before us (baruch hashem). When they heard their name, the entire room erupted in cheers. Seriously. Standing O even. Then they called us. Wait time 2010: 1 hour 15 mins. Not bad. It's ok to feel 'normal' once in a while.

Chopped salad- honey roasted peanuts, olives, feta, diced vegetables, chopped egg, Joe's dressing.


Famous wedge- tomato, bacon, red onion, beets, croutons, egg, blue cheese dressing.


Les stone crabs-


Le BBQ chicken ($5.95 btw and best chicken this fella has EVER had)


And the nerdo shot-


Was it worth it? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! As usual. See ya next year! Or maybe just one more time while we're down here this time. Eddie has some making up to do.

PS- Still haven't worn the shorts.

Awkward!!!!!

So, weather's been crap in Florida. Not actually complaining because I guess 66 degrees and cloudy is better than -10 and snowy, but it's all relative. Shopping in a hell called Aventura ain't for me. I watched an interesting 60 Minutes the other night. Something about these brazzziliant paleontologists discovering tissue in dinosaur bones that are billions of years old that could possibly lead to the reintroduction of a dinosaur type creature in the future. Calling it a Dino-chicken.

Another very interesting story caught my eye too. It was about 2 Jews who created a website called www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com. People send them their most awkward family pics and they post them. That's all. Simple. But, hilarious and awkward. I mean you just can't even begin to wrap your head around how/why some of these pictures even happened.

Here we go:

We can start with this one- hockey gear, bra, preggo... totally normal pic. Superb idea professional photog. Black and white adds such a classy touch.


They REEEAAAALLLYYY wanted the entire family in this one.


I was potty trained this way, u?


Nothing says Merry Xmas like matching pajamas and a topless man (presumably the dad) in your pic! I really can't begin to understand this one. Praying it was a joke. If so, good one.


No words really for this one. But definitely NOT a joke. You can just tell. Far left guy is my personal fave. Hands on knees guy is pretty good too. Did the store run out of mini pumpkins? Even the dog has to look away.


Who can guess this mother's favourite skater?


Some people just really love their dogs! Possibly a bit too much.


Maybe a candy apple would have been more appropriate for this family vacation shot.


Again having trouble finding words. At least they're in love.


And then obviously we have NKOTB attempting to feed this little girl. Guess she's a picky eater. Props to her parents for pulling out ALLLLL the stops to get her to eat.


Now this pic is funny because once the eisel collapsed, one parent ran to get the camera while the other waited. See dad's arm in far left of pic.


Saved my fave for last. Look carefully. THAT is funny.


Hope that last one doesn't give you nightmares! Hope all the clouds in the sky die and go to hell!

The Bees Knees

Where did that expression even come from? Do bees even have knees? I don’t think so.

Knees. So weird looking. Non? Well I think they are and I keep mine under wraps most of the time.

Today I bought a pair of shorts. I feel like that news is worthy of a CNN Breaking News alert. Although, I’d be the only one totally shocked by it. And I’m the one who did the purchasing.

Literally cannot remember the last time I bought shorts. And it’s been so long that through multiple moves and homes and years, I don’t even own any. NONE PEOPLE. Not even a weird little too small pair that I keep because I might maybe possibly wear them one day. I have shoes, jeans, skirts, boots, tops and all other wardrobe items that I keep because I’m sure one day I’ll be needing it. Maybe to wear or for a costume. Seriously. But no shorts. (Wait- is that hoarding? Oh o. It's just that I know I’ll wear those pink wood platform shoes I got in grade 10 one day! I know it!)

So obviously, I can’t remember the last time I even wore shorts. I picture all my friends reading this going “No, I remember… that time… wait a second, it was a skirt, or lulus or sweats, not shorts!” And that’s correct. Always something else- a dress, skirt, a sweat pant item. And you might be thinking- 'What's the difference between a skirt and shorts!? This girl is nuts!' And my answer is that MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT! Can't explain the difference. There just is one.

And, I do spend time outside people! I was a camp director for pete’s sake!

Sitting in shorts. Yech. You either stick to the chair or can’t cross your legs cuz then your whole thigh is exposed and that might not be pretty! You know what I mean.

Just don’t like em. Don’t like knees. Not YOUR knees. Yours are ok. Most knees actually look quite similar I think. I don’t like looking at my legs in shorts. That’s my thing. Not your thing and THAT is why I bought shorts today!

Although, I do wear skirts and dresses that come to above my knees. So it seems that shorts above the knee are not ok but dresses and skirts are? I know, I'm confused too.

Ironic that I happen to be covering my knees in this pic.

Are her knees nice? SHE'S HEIDI KLUM!!! OF COURSE THEY ARE!!!!

The shorts I bought are Lululemon. They’re cute and colorful. I bought them 2 sizes too big and they have underwear in them. Hey, I’m out of practice ok. Gimme a break. I think they’re ‘running’ shorts. But I liked them enough to buy them. And they kinda look like a skirt because they’re too big. Baby steps.

The above is not me. Unfortunately. Those are gorgeous knees.

And it's not that there's anything wrong with my knees. They're average. No scars, nothing gross.

EVERYONE wears shorts! That’s normal! So I am going to try hard with my snazzy new shorts to be like you! I’m sure I’ll blend right in. I’d think that 9/10 people around me will be in shorts. So I won’t stand out. But I won’t really like it. And I will be uncomfortable. And I’ll be thinking about when I can get my stems into a pair of leggings.

But I’ll know. I’ll know I’m doing something crazy. For me.

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CNN Breaking News

-Liana purchased shorts today. First time in over a decade. She will wear them in Florida, a senior administration official confirms.

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