Yes, that is exactly what I look like when I'm travelling.Let it be known that these entries are being inspired by David Sedaris. If you haven’t read him, and you have somewhat come to trust my opinions, well then downloading one of his gems or god forbid purchasing a hardcopy (I’m old school that way) pronto is necessary. This is sarcastic, self-deprecating writing that regularly has me busting out laughs. I most recently finished ‘When You Are Engulfed in Flames’ which specifically focuses on Sedaris’ midlife crisis as he tries to quit smoking after many years.
I suppose explaining a particularly hilarious part from the book is like me stopping every few pages and reading an excerpt to my husband who kinda giggles, likely to not make me feel bad, hiding his annoyance, because let’s be honest, that habit IS annoying. But I do come by it honestly- my mother and sister suffer from it as well so it is what it is. Even when husband protests, I try hard to convince him it will be worth it. But, out of context, sometimes it does not have the effect I would like it to which is a problem when 3 pages later I want to read him yet another hysterical part. But, he allows it because after all, he is my husband and a good boy- more on that later. The part I will be reading aloud to husband when he wakes up from his snooze goes something like this:
Sedaris has successfully quit smoking after many many years. He has taken up swimming and is proud of himself that he no longer feels as though he will cough up a lung after 3 strokes. At the pool he currently swims at regularly, there is a woman with Down Syndrome. He describes her as ‘fairly heavy’ and then goes on to say how incredible he feels when he beats her from one end of the pool to the other (he admits this feeling of pride is odd).
He tells his boyfriend:
“I won 3 out of 4, I mean, I really creamed her.”
To which his bf responds:
“Let me get this straight- She’s obese, as old as you are, AND she has down syndrome?”
“Yes, and I beat her. Isn’t that great!”
He goes on to describe the elderly and children he also beats in swim races, whether or not they have been informed of said race. ‘Small victories’ he says.
Epic fail? Maybe. I know my sister and mother are laughing and that’s good enough for me. Sedaris has the ability to turn the most mundane activities into the most hilarious riffs. And THAT is why I enjoy him so much.
Back to the point of this entry. My honeymoon.
Italy. Greece. 16 days. Bring it. I planned the trip. With help of course from friends and a very knowledgeable travel agent who had planned travel many times for those I trust.
First stop- Rome. Then straight away to Capri. This Italy trip was about the Amalfi coast. We’d both been to Rome, Venice + Florence, so we were going to focus on the coast this time.
Packing- Well, how the hell am I supposed to know how to do that properly? The first clue that I had in fact failed miserably at this was when we got our luggage in Rome and had to traverse the airport to get to the train that would take us to the train to Naples. This was the problem. We had: 2 small rolly carry-ons, and 2 bigger bags. Ok fine, my bag was massive and weighed a whopping 32 kg, and even on wheels was ridiculously arduous to drag. Overweight for the flight yes, but flying bidness class they overlooked this. How nice. Husband on the other hand, didn’t, or better yet- couldn’t ‘overlook’ this 32kg fact.
Ya see, from the baggage claim, we had to walk and shlep for about 25 minutes to get to train #1. 28 moving sidewalks and 37 escalators later, we arrived at the first train. For the visual- I am dragging the 2 smaller carry-ons and of course husband is dragging the larger ones.
I am smiling and leading the way. Husband not smiling. Sweating profusely in fact.
Interesting fact- trains in Italy don’t have ramps. I have to lift what seem like heavy carry-ons to me onto the train and yes, husband has to lift 32kg and his bag. There are 100s of people clamoring to get on this train as we are desperately trying to lift our 4 heavy bags up the stairs. No one helping, just deep sighing or trying to squeeze past these ‘touristas’. Nice.
Finally sitting, sweating and heaving lungs. Train ride is 15 minutes. Bloody hell.
Step 2- we now need to disembark train 1, shlep bags down steep stairs and find where train to Naples is leaving from.
Repeat step 1. No ramps, stairs. This time, 45 minute train ride has us sitting facing 2 strangers, knee to knee. Husband is almost 6”4. At this time, husband says that he doesn’t want me to touch him. Needs space, needs air. I can’t help but burst out laughing. Because especially now, it is funny. We are on the very first leg of our honeymoon and husband has declared- please don’t touch me. For those of you who know husband, you know that he is NEVER in a bad mood. I mean, this sitch was extreme. And I had planned the entire trip so I was feeling a tad nervous about the following 15 days. I guess the fact that this is the most expensive trip we likely will ever take, and we that we were both slightly stressed and unhappy at that particular moment, wasn’t too funny.
I was a good girl and didn’t touch and tried hard to remain quiet. As we approached Naples, the man who had been sitting across from Husband and whose knees had obviously gotten to know each other well, wished us a wonderful vacation in Italy. I thought that was nice and knew things were looking up!
Disembark. Oy. Then we must find a cab to take us to the port so we can get on a hydrofoil that will take us to our first destination- Capri. Pronounced Caaaaaaaa-pree. We are convinced the 2 drivers (yes, 2, not sure why) will kill us and rob us and that will be the end of us, but they don’t, they just scam 45 Euros out of us for a 12 minute drive to the port. At this point, we ain’t arguing, we are being the good tourists that we are.
Lug bags onto boat. We can leave them on lower deck and go sit on upper deck, which is outside. 45 minutes, relaxed, sun on our faces, wind in our hair. We have been traveling at this point for about 15 hours, on very little sleep, so this sun, wind, not moving combo feels quite good.
We were warned against staying in Capri itself, so we picked a hotel in Anacapri, which is just on the other side of the island. The moment we arrived, every second of that travel day disappeared. This. Was. Bliss. http://blisscape.com/
Ok, we'll stay a bit.
