Feck You: Hollyweird

I know this post is a little late but I'm not functioning on the 'normal' calendar. Had to PVR the Golden Globes this year as opposed to hosting (or attending) a petite soiree. Shit happens. Life happens. I'm going to be ok. So I watched it the other night. And was able to fast forward commercials and things I didn't need/want to see. Brilliant. I just don't know what you're doing if you don't have a PVR. I know I've said it before, but this invention has single handedly made my life soooooooooo much easier. I suppose if you're not into TV too much, you don't care. And that's ok.

I enjoy celebrity. I enjoy judging. Therefore I enjoy award shows. And the Globes are my favourite. Everyone is loose, boozed up and having fun.

I usually have seen all the films by now so I can act like a professional and agree or disagree vehemently with the winners and/or losers. As I previously mentioned, 2011 hasn't started off 'normally', so my routine is off. And that's ok.

Ricky Gervais. Well, as the creator/writer of The Office, we know I'm into him. He's a riot. Really. If you don't like his humour then we prolly shouldn't be friends.

Once he started, everyone in that room was scared. And they should have been.

I think this year was epic. Not specifically the films, but more so the attendees. I mean the collection of talent in that room was beyond. Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Angie & Brad, Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Steven Spielberg, Aaron Sorkin, Helen Mirren, Robert Downy Jr., James Franco, Halle Berry, Jeremy Irons, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Julainne Moore, Annette Benning, Geoffrey Rush, Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks, etc etc etc.....

Holy crap. Thass a lot of money, beauty and talent all in one room. Noticeably absent- my main man Leo, Kate Winslet, Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, Gwynnie... but they can't all be there every year.

And onto the most important part of the night- the fashion. In general I thought it sucked. These people can call ANY DESIGNER THEY WANT AND GET A DRESS. What perturbes me the most is the access they have to look INCREDIBLE BECAUSE THEY CAN CALL ANY FREAKIN DESIGNER THEY WANT AND THEY STILL MANAGE TO F*CK IT UP! I just don't get it. Guess no matter how talented you are or how much money you have, you just can't buy style. ACTUALLY YOU CAN!!!!! HIRE A STYLIST!!!!!!! WTF!!??!!??!!??!

In general, I wasn't impressed. Even the good could have been great.

On commence:

You are the sexiest woman alive. You are Scarlett Johansson. Your hair is the color of piss and your dress is pretty. Matronly in my opinion. Cut those sleeves off and we have something! She is sex and could and should look so much better.

Your voice is amazing. Your style, not. What is that X-Tina??? I'm not saying Ms. Dirty has ever been an icon, in fact she's cheeseball central but this is just so so bad. Burlesque was nominated!?!?!? What. Is. Going. On. 37% on the Tomatometer fyi.

They said she rocked it. I disagree. And I'm not mentioning who designed all these frocks because I don't think one should be influenced by the name. You like it or you don't and the below is whatever. You are Angelina Jolie. Booooooooooring. Would it kill you to crack a smile? We all know you're Mother Teresa but come on! Brad, a bevy of kids, some money in the bank...I know, life sucks Angie.

Long sleeves seem to be a trend. Some didn't like the below, but I did. A lot.

Natalie. Natalie! I know you're all in love and preggers by your choreographer/co-star, (who woulda thought you'd end up a cliché, praying you don't end up a statistic) but why oh why does that mean that you have to choose to wear this? Who told you to wear this?!

You can do it! See? Stunning!

Smile, Sandra! Yeah, you had a rough year, but at least you lost 230 pounds of douchewad. Love this dress. But attitude is important too. I realize you knew at this moment about douchewad's announcement, but we didn't. Act!

Cheeseball. What is she wearing??? She's so gorgeous it hurts. But what is going on here. I am a fan of the matching cuffs and her glowing skin color. Maybe she forgot to put the top on the dress. Left in a hurry maybe. I dunno. So disappointing.

Hi implants. How are you?

I'm not even impressed with Mila. She is so stunning but has a history of choosing meh gowns. I don't get it. It's not offensive, the green is nice with her coloring, but it's just ok. Not amazing like it should be. I know I'm being harsh but I expect fabulosity. This dress reminds me of my sister's emerald green taffeta grad dress. All Mila is missing are the long white gloves.

Nominated. I just can't. The Hollywood Foreign Press needs to take a loooooooong look at themselves. The cheesiest of the cheese. I must avert my eyes.